Thus Pondering...

I put the NEW in New Year!!!

2010-02-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

So here are a few images to help you visualize what has been going on in my life for the past few months. I recently moved in to a new home that is only a couple blocks up from the water. I also was just recently hired as a Play and Music Teacher for the Gymboree Play Center in San Clemente. Last but not least, I have found a special someone that has been a true blessing in my life. I have been making life decisions that I thought I would never do. Like finding a new home for the first dog I ever owned, Lexington:( I made the hard decision of finding a new home for him because of the overwhelming amount of stress that I was feeling caring for 2 dogs that had both become aggressive, as well as nervous wrecks. It was very hard, and quite emotional but I know I made the right decision for all parties involved. I have been able to work on relationships both with family as well as with friends, and it has helped me feel closer to the important aspects in my life that I was not as clearly focused on. I am learning new things about myself, as well as others and the growth that I feel in my closeness to my Heavenly Father in doing so has been very calming, and heart warming. I am thankful for so much and for the opportunity to share my thoughts and feelings with all those who take the time to read and participate in my rantings and ravings. Until next time....

It's me, not you.....

2007-02-27T15:03:00.000-08:00

So, tomorrow marks the 4 year mark since my mom passed away....so this is my forewarning that if I act weird or different I'm sorry, it's not you it's all me!!! I miss her so much and its still hard for me to realize that she is now a memory, no longer a soothing voice I hear in my times of need, or the unconditional love and hugs that only my mom could give. It's hard for me to separate all the wonderful memories and times we had together from the awful things she had to go through and the things I had to experience in watching her die. I find myself picking up my phone to call her at least 3 or 4 times a week completely forgetting that that is no longer an option. How is it that after 4 years without her she is STILL the first person I want to call about ANYTHING, and only after her anyone else i call is only second best! Does that ever stop? I want to stop whining now and move on to what an amazing woman my mother was and how I hope to be like her as I get older. She gave of her time and her love and her resources wherever she could and loved and accepted ANYONE that she came in contact with. She had so many talents and cared for the world, if I am even half as remarkable as she was than I think I can live a full happy life. I want people to know her through me and my example. I wish that everyone could have known her and especially because words can't explain how much my mom meant to me!!! I love and miss her greatly and that is all I have for now!!!!

2007-02-12T22:44:00.000-08:00

I am in mourning...and not because I have lost someone, but because my niece and nephew lost someone extremely close to them and it makes me very disheartened. A couple of weeks ago my niece and nephew's real dad succombed to a short lived battle of colon cancer. He was only in his late thirties and had 7 little ones he left behind, including my niece and nephew who are my brother's stepkids. I hate cancer and all that it takes away from us and God bless those strong people who have battled it and have beaten it. Anyway, I just wanted to vent a little bit and openly express how much my heart aches for anyone who has to endure such trials!!! THE END!

Seriously...

2007-02-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

So, I have been spending the last couple hours trying to figure out how much school I have left and it's official...by the year 2020 I might graduate! What a relief, I thought I was going to be in school forever! So, for all of you friends out there who are sad that people are moving on in their lives and you are starting to feel alone...I will ALWAYS be here!!! Until of course I take myself out of this wretched place and move back to glorious southern cali!!! I am going to take my english degree and move to the beach where I will scribble the most beautiful sonnets in the sand...anyone want in on that action?!?!?!

In loving memory...

2006-12-23T23:54:00.000-08:00

One year ago today I woke up to my stepdad having passed away in his sleep. It is a sad time but also a time for reflection on the wonderful things that I have in my life. It was the most awful week in my life before he passed away and the longest and most draining but I wouldn't have changed it for anything. I don't ever want to do it again but I loved taking care of him and being by his side through thick and thin. I can't tell you how badly I miss him as well as my mom and dad at this time of year but I know deep down inside that I will see them again. I am so thankful for all my wonderful friends that support me and are life family to me! Merry Christmas Eve Day to all and to all an early good morning!!!!!

Scared to DEATH!!!!

2006-12-23T00:19:00.000-08:00

So, there are some sayings floating around that "to love and be loved is the greatest joy on earth" and "it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all!" I understand these things but I think that eventually the pain of loving someone SO much and then losing them starts to take over and one starts wondering if they would ever want to love again because the loss that eventually is to come is too great! And when I say LOSS I don't mean that BF/GF you had for a week and they decided it just wasn't going to work out! I mean that person in your life that at even the smallest thought of something horrible ever happening to them, your chest gets tight and for a brief moment you can't breathe and then the floodgates from those now sad eyes start venturing down your cheeks! If this seems random...it's not! This is how I feel..a lot. I am scared to grow close to anyone, anything for that matter! I lose sleep at the idea of something happening to my dog...MY DOG!! What on earth will I do when it comes to finding the love of my life! It's much easier to keep those at a distance that you feel a remote closeness to because then you don't have to ever worry about losing them. Why is it that everything I have been taught about the afterlife and eternal salvation and families that can be together forever don't ease the pain and anxiety that keeps me in such a frenzy of mind!!!??? I am missing a giant piece of the puzzle to my heart but am frightened of finding it and then losing it again! Why not just get used to the lost piece and live somewhat happily ever after...cause its not right! I am so blessed and have so much good in my life and have even more greater things to offer to this world it is ridiculous that I can sit in my own sorrows but alas that is where I find myself at this hour! I want to take care of everyone but can't be taken care of! Is it possible that these barriers can be broken down and that a replacement piece to my heart can be found? I think somewhere out there, it's possible! Prayers and my Father in Heaven have gotten me this far but it is sometimes hard to always remember that I am NEVER alone. In reality I feel nothing but alone even when surounded by the most amazing people that I care about the most. I feel like my true purposes in life have all passed away. I need to take care of someone again, and I guess that someone is me! The realization has been hitting me harder and harder that I need to focus on me and everyone should follow that guideline to take care of themselves or they can never TRULY help those around them. This rambling must end now... I love the experiences of life though they REALLY do scare me to death!!!!